disappointment

against all better judgement I started testing early this cycle. I started testing at 10dpo, and started getting very faint positives. On Sunday I took a digital test and got "pregnant" and another hpt and got a clear second line. Of course I was estatic, but also nervous. I went in Monday for bloodwork to see what my hcg level was. My doc likes to do two tests, 48 hours apart to see if numbers are doubling like they should. Monday's test only showed a level of 6 for my hcg count. That shocked me, because you have to have at least around a 20 to get positives on the hpts. My progesterone was also very low. Basically, I knew that this was not a viable pregnancy. My nurse confirmed this yesterday, and stated it was probably a "chemical pregnancy". These happen very often, and usually you wouldn't even know you'd had one.......If I hadn't tested early, I wouldn't have known. In fact, when I did a hpt on Monday evening (13dpo) it was negative.
So now I'm waiting....I am having more blood drawn today just to make sure my level has gone down. My temps went down today, which I think means my progesterone level is also going down....so I'm hoping af shows on her own over the next couple of days. Otherwise, I have to wait 2 weeks and then go back to the doctor for them to bring it on.
I plan on doing clomid again this cycle. I'm hopeful that it will work again. I'm scared that there's something wrong with me keeping me from being able to have a healthy baby. Even though statistically I know this happens a lot, it's still hard when it happens to you not to wonder "what's wrong with me??".
so that's my update. It's been an emotional few days. When you see a bfp you immediately fall in love, and start planning for a new life. Even if you only think you are pregnant for a day or two, it's still a loss. But I'm glad that if this wasn't a healthy baby God took him/her now, instead of later. Any loss is hard, but a loss later in pregnancy is devastating.
I will have a baby. I'm not giving up. This will only make me fight harder. I've already got a few ideas of "next steps" that I'll post soon. Unfortunately today I'm stuck at work!
On a positive note, I have my first physical therapy appt for my back today. I've had back problems since May, so I'm hoping this will help.
Thanks for listening.
a sad, but determined,
liz

am I a slacker or what

So when I started this blog I did it with the best of intentions...I was going to post often, and say incredibly interesting and witty things. Obviously that has not happened!

The last couple of weeks has been so crazy. Last weekend I ended up being unexpectedly out of town for a good portion of it. Fortunately, I had already o'd so it didn't matter that dh wasn't there...well, of course it mattered....I hate being away from him. But I did get to see my family, and that was nice.

I'm stuck in the middle of the 2ww right now. I o'd early last week, so now I'm about 7dpo's I think. Wayyy too early to test, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. This is my first cycle of clomid, so of course my hopes are up that this is the month. We'll see. I have no bfp symptoms, but logically I know that it would be too early to have them right now. I have had some hot flashes, which I'm attributing to the clomid. They aren't too bad though. I had worse last year when I was on lupron.

I just feel kind of detached right now. I'm so tired of ttc controlling everything. I can barely remember what is was like to eat sushi, drink beer, and (horror upon horror) eat a cold-cut sandwich without first having to figure out where I was in my cycle. And to top it off, I have a very good suspicion that my sister is using drugs. She's had drug and alcohol problems before, and it seems like she may be having them again. At this point I would just write her off. I know that sounds horrible. She is my sister. But she's put us all through so much that I really have no sympathy for her. But I can't do that, because my 6 year old niece is with her. So my older nieces are coming into town this weekend and we're going to figure out what we should do. Drama, drama, drama.

anyways, sorry I have nothing entertaining to say.
I'm tired. I'm sad that I'm not at home right now w/ a 6 week old baby like I should be. And I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.
liz

baby gifts......

so I started the clomid on CD5, and seemed to be handling it pretty well for a while. I did have some headaches, but I wasn't sure if it was due to the clomid or my allergies.....Then I hit CD12, and the moodiness set in. Seriously, I feel like I have PMSx10..........I'm either wanting to cry or wanting to strangle someone....usually both at once. Still not o'ing, but am hoping that will happen any day now.

I wish my doctor did follicle checks while on clomid...not because I really want another date with the "magic wand" that's used in transvaginal u/s, but it would be nice to know if the clomid is working and how many follicles I am producing...especially since there is a slightly higher risk of multiples with clomid. Not that we wouldn't welcome twins or whatever God decided to give us, but I know the risks to the babies are so much higher when high-order multiples are involved. The last thing I ever want to do is go through another pregnancy only to have another loss. I'm not sure if I could survive it. Well, I know I could....but it would certainly be hard. That's another thing that my angel taught me, I'm a much stronger person than I ever though. If you'd told me last year I would get pregnant only to lose her at 16 weeks I would have told you that I couldn't have handled it. Now, not only have I handled it....I think I've done it without losing my heart or my faith. In fact, I feel like my heart is bigger and my faith stronger, and those are two gifts are precious little girl gave to me.

another gift she gave me is a wonderful group of women I've met onine. These women have become my support system, and a few of them have become my sisters. It's so odd to be so close to someone who you've never met, but I have. Some I've known for a couple of years after meeting on another board...others I've only known for a few months and met because of our loss. But it just amazes me that these women have reached out to me, and have let me support them as well. So I thank my baby girl for that as well.

sure I would rather have her here with me. But since that's not possible, I do feel blessed to have had her for a while, even if it was a short time. And I feel blessed to know that she'll always be with me, and has made a permanent mark on my life. So while I wish my baby gifts were new bibs, blankets, and cute outfits I will also count my blessings. I've been given a closer relationship with my dh, with God, with women who have become my sisters. I've been given an inner strength....or maybe it was there all along and just not realized.

so for that I'm grateful. Now I'd just be doubly grateful if I could get pregnant again, and bring home the more typical baby gifts next time.....

clomid.....

So af did show in full force, just as I expected. I was bummed for a day or so, then started thinking about the next cycle...That's one thing with ttc, there's always the next month...and then the next month..and then the month after that. It is nice that each new month brings a new hope though.

I did take the plunge and decided to start the clomid. The doc has me on 50mg CD 5-9. I'm on my second day...so far no major side effects. I've had a headache all day, but that may very well be due to allergies......I'm trying to not take anything for it...I'm sure it would be fine to take a Tylenol, but I just feel like the less I put into my body the better. I'll probably break down and take one before bed so I can sleep.

The doc has agreed to try the clomid for 3 months. If we're not pregnant by then, we'll go back to the RE in Jan. The RE is the specialist, and we'll talk to them about either doing IUI or IVF. IUI is a lot cheaper (which is important because our insurance isn't covering any of this) but IVF has a much higher success rate. Also, a very cool thing with IVF is they can do the pre-implantation genetic testing...so they would be able to test the embryos for possible genetic problems before placing them back. That would greatly reduce the chance of another genetic problem.

It's just so hard to know what to do. A part of me feels like we're "playing God". Antoher part of me just wants a baby. And I guess we are blessed to live in today's society, where medicine has advanced so much. In years past, a woman in my position probably would have just had to accept the fact that she wasn't going to have a baby. At least we have options.

A girl I work with was due a week before me (and another due two weeks after me....). The one due right before me had her baby at work today. I had dreaded seeing her, thinking it would be too painful and would only remind me of what I SHOULD have right now. I'm happy to say, it wasn't that hard. He's adorable, and she seems very happy. Sure, a part of me aches and wishes it was me. But there's also a part of me that was genuinely happy for me. And I'm proud of that part of me.

crushed hopes

well, it looks like this month was another failure....I just went to the bathroom and discovered that I am starting to spot...af should be here full force tomorrow. I haven't been too hopeful this month, but there's always a piece of me that thinks "surely this is the month". It's just hard to accept it when it's not.

I'm sad. I'm sad that I have to disappoint my dh. I'm mad. I feel betrayed by my body. Usually I feel at least a little hopeful at the start of a new cycle, but I think I'm just numb now. There's only so much heartbreak that one person can take. And I think I am at my limit.

I have a doctor's appt Monday to discuss Clomid. I'm trying to focus on that.

I just want a baby. I want my husband to be a daddy.

I HATE the 2ww

I HATE the 2ww. I'm trying to not obsess. I'm trying to not count and recount the days...I'm TRYING to think of something besides this. But it's not working. I feel a little bit like I'm losing my mind today. My desire to be pregnant again is so strong. I feel such a loss, such an emptiness. I want to have that hope again. I want to get to know dh as a father. I want to plan the nursery, buy maternity clothes, and look at baby announcements. I want to do all the things I should have gotten to do months ago. And most of all, I want to bring home a healthy baby from the hospital....which is what I should have been doing about 3 weeks ago.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful life. But the desire to become a mother is so all consuming, nothing can take away that ache.

I'm going to go sneak away from work and call the doctor to see about getting clomid for next cycle. Please pray that there is no "next cycle" for me and that prescription never gets used
liz

half way through.....

I am now halfway through the 2ww......Now is when it get's hard....During the first part of the 2ww I don't think too much about things. I know it's wayyyy too early to have any type of symptom, so I don't focus too much on things. But things change when I get about halfway through the 2ww...Even though I know realistically it's still way too early for any type of real symptom...Inplantation doesn't occur until abuot now, or possibly even a little later...And it takes a couple of days after implantation for the body to start making enough hcg to register on a pregnancy test...and of course, there's no real chance of early symptoms until there's enough hcg (often called the "pregnancy hormone" in your system to start playing havoc on things.....Of course, that's what the docs say...However, I think we all know some people who will swear that they had symptoms almost immediately.Of course, who am I to say that they did or didn't. We're all different, our bodies respond differently. I know for me, with my pregnancy with our angel, I had no symptoms at first. I tested at 12DPO and got a bfn (big fat negative), then tested at 13DPO (the day before af was due) and got a positive. So much for those early hpts that say you can find out 5 days before af is due........I remember how stunned I was to actually see that second line appear. For over a year we'd been trying, and I'd really come to believe that the second line didn't exist. That it was all some cruel joke. I remember seeing the bfp, then crawling back in bed beside my dh and asking him "so, what are you doing in August?" It was like 6am, and the first thing he said was "Are you pregnant?". The next day I went to the doctor's office to confirm it. Sure enough, I was really pregnant. We weren't going to tell anyone, but I made the mistake of calling him when he was in the car with some coworkers....I blurted out "We're pregnant!" a little too loud, and everyone in the car was able to hear over the phone. Fortunately, I did a better job hiding it from my coworkers. I had to go back in two days for another blood test, to see how my hcg levels were rising. Healthy pregnancies usually double their hcg count in 48 hours. Mine didn't double, but went up about 60%. Not immediately a sign of doom, but it was enough to scare me. Plus my progesterone levels were lower than they should be. The doc put me on progesterone suppostitories, and told me to come back in a few days for another draw. When I went back in, about 4 days later, my hcg level had skyrocketed. I felt much better about things, but now I wonder if that slow rising hcg wasn't our first indicator that there was a problem. And I wonder, if I hadn't taken the progesterone supps, would I have miscarried then? That perhaps the low progesterone level was yet another indicator that things weren't going like they should be.

but after a bumpy start, my pregnancy seemed to be progressing like normal. I had just two bouts of feeling really sick to my stomach. I was incredibly tired though, and often came straight home from work and went to bed. I later learned that not only could this have been in part due to the pregnancy, but also due to the progesterone I was taking. We heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks, and thought then that it was safe to tell family....We had planned on waiting till after the first trimester, but we were going to my parents house for Christmas and I wanted to tell them then. We bought two cute bibs, one that said I love Grandma and one said I love Grandpa, wrapped them up, and gave them to my parents in front of everyone. It was such a happy time. Who would have thought that within weeks everything would change.

I so want to be pregnant again, but a part of me is so scared. I'm not sure I could handle this again. Well, I guess I could....one thing I learned is that you can do a lot more than you thought and survive more than you thought, if you have Faith. But the thought of hearing the words "there's a problem" makes me almost ill. Having your entire world just stop. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So while I pray that I am in fact, even as I type this, newly pregnant with a healthy little one....I'm also scared to begin this journey again. There's so much opportunity for joy in pregnancy, but I'm a little more jaded now, and realize that there's also a lot of opportunity for pain. It's hard to open your heart back up, after it's been broken. But we will, because I know the rewards are so great. And I know that through my Faith, I can get through this.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. I will be a mother one day. My kind, sweet, good husband will be a daddy one day. I'm not sure what the journey will entail, but I know the outcome. That thought gives me peace.

Tonight is dh's 20th high school reunion. What fun, we get to be surrounded by people asking "so, do you have children". I can't wait. And it's chilly here, and the cute outfit I have picked out to wear is definitely for warmer climates. But it's really cute, and I have absolutely nothing else to wear.....so it looks like I'll be freezing tonight. And sober, since I'm in the 2ww. Wish me luck.
liz

a rant......

I just don't understand why things are the way they are. A 19 year old girl that works at the same place I do is pregnant. She already has one baby, isn't married, and struggles to make ends meet. Yet, I fully expect her to have a healthy pregnancy and a new baby very soon.

Two other women I work with just had healthy babies, within days of when my angel was due.

I don't wiah any of these women had unhealthy pregnancies or lost their babies. I'm glad for them (although jealous). But I just don't understand, "why them and not me?"

Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant, while others struggle....and it always seems like the ones that are struggling are the ones in the best position to have a baby. I try to hold onto the thought that God has a plan, and that it's His will that needs to be done. But it's hard.

is sleeping considered a hobby?

is sleeping considered a hobby?

I need a hobby. I envy those who work out regularly (and by the way, while everyone is badmouthing Britney Spears for how fat she looked at the VMA's....I'd still like to have her figure...). Those who collect things, sew, birdwatch...you name it. My hobbies seem to include: watching TV (Big Brother, anything on Discovery Health, and basically any reality show), playing with our two dogs, doing laundry, cleaning house, and going to work. Throw in a little free time with my husband, and that's pretty much my life.

I do read some. I just finished The Other Boleyn Girl. It was wonderful, I really enjoyed it. Plus it made me appreciate being a woman in today's time. Sure, we may still get paid less than men, but at least we don't have to worry about being killed at the whim of our husbands.....well, at least not in this country. Most of the time. Of course, now I'm flashing back to Scott Peterson and that creepy guy in Salt Lake City that killed his pregnant wife. Hmmm, perhaps we haven't come as far as we thought.

I know I said that I was going to obsess during this 2ww, but now that it's officially here...of course I'm obsessing. I've studied my calendar, looked at the days where I had positive opks and peak days on my CBEFM. I've compared those readings to the days that we bd'd. I swear, you would think that I was an NFL coach planning for the superbowl. I've analyzed and reanalyzed every portion of my fertile time.....hmm, would it have been better to bd this day or that day? We did it in the morning that day....maybe next time on the second peak day we should do it in the evening. I'm the Queen of second quessing myself...Which I know is pointless. At this point, there's either a tiny little egg and sperm circling each other, making polite small talk before joining forces.....or the egg has gone her way and the swimmers have gone their way. No amount of analyzing is going to change that.

I'm still considering clomid for next cycle. And trying to decide when to go back to the RE (Reproductive Endo-word I can not spell....basically the Fertility Specialist). I'd like to give it till January, but I'd also really like to be pregnant before Christmas. I wish there was some magic 8 ball that would tell me the right choice to make. I also wish that I could just chill out on this stuff. But please, whatever you do....don't tell me just to relax and it will happen. Every woman who has struggled to have a baby has heard those "wise" words of wisdom time and time again, and let me tell you. They aren't true. draft by liz 12:49:00 PM Delete

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2ww woes....

Ahhh, the two week wait (2ww). The dreaded time for those of us ttc.....after ovulation but before af is due......During this time, every physical symptom will be analyzed and reanalyzed......every stomach cramp, every twinge...anything will be seen as a sign that this is THE month. I've already learned that if we are successful this month, we'll have a June baby. I'm already thinking up names. The 2ww is torture....so full of hope, only to have it all smashed when af shows her ugly head. So for the next two weeks I'm going to try something new. I'm not going to obsess over "am I or am I not?".

Yeah right. We'll see how long that lasts...usually I'm okay till around 10days past ovulation (dpo) Around that time implantation should be occuring....Very early symptoms can be imagined a little more easier.....hpts can be drug out from under the sink, and even though it's too early, I start to test.

So here's to a quick 2ww. And hopefully the last one for a very long time. I'd much rather be facing the 9 month wait!

focusing on the positive....

just a quick note to say....

woo hoo! I got a "peak" reading on my cbefm (that's clear blue easy fertlity monitor for those of you not wrapped up in ttc) AND last night a positive opk. Yes, to those of you who know about these things, basically I'm wasting my money by doing both the opk and cbefm, but at this point, I'm terrified of missing o.

See, I have PCOS. Which basically means that my ovaries have a lot of little cysts (this is along with other various maladies I've been dx with while ttc..but that's a post for another day). So instead of o'ing regularly on Cycle Day 14 (which is what is considered "normal"...but I know very few women who actually o on Day 14 regularly) I o late in my cycle...before I was dx and put on medication I could go 40 or 50 days with no o.....at that point, it's not likely to happen so you have to go into the doc who will give you medicine to end that cycle by starting your period (forever more referred to here as af...or "the evil witch"). Now that I'm on medication, I do o every month, usually around CD 21........I'm CD 20 today, so according to the opks and cbefm I should o very, very soon........

Dh has been properly notified that his services are required......Don't you love how ttc takes some of the "romance" out of it. Seriously, there have been times when bd'ing has definitely been more of a chore than an enjoyment........

so that's my positive for the day....I'm o'ing, getting accurate readings from the tests, and dh is in town and up for a few days of fun....

I'm trying to think positive, practice "visualization" (come on little sperm, swim towards that egg!) and to have faith that it's in God's hands. I'm hoping his plan for me is to get pregnant NOW. If it's not his plan, I really need to pray for peace and patience....because this is getting harder and harder. Our daughter should be about two weeks old right now if she'd lived. Sometimes my arms ache to hold her.

But I'm taking my cue from the title of this post and focusing on the positive. Most of the time anyways! Hopefully it will lead to a positive hpt in about two weeks. We'll see.
liz

a little backstory....and a little tmi

Like I mentioned in my previous post, dh and I are both late 30's.....well, I say late...I'll be 37 in a couple of months so I guess that is technically late. We've only been married two years, so you can do the math and see that we met later in life. I, like many of my friends, spent the majority of my 20's either in undergrad or grad school, and then embarking on my first job. I played a lot, traveled a lot, drank a lot, and generally just goofed off a lot. I made a huge mistake and married someone who had treated me bad for years. Seriously bad. We dated for five years, and during that time he pushed me around, held a gun to my head on numerous occassions, and verbally abused me. So of course I made the brilliant decsion to marry him. Oh, did I mention that he'd been married 3 times before and had 4 children who were almost grown and who wanted nothing to do with him. Yep, I'm a genius. I was going to SAVE this guy. Everyone else in the world hated him, but I knew if I loved him enough and was "good enough" he would change....Yeah right. Welll, since the name of this blog isn't "Dumb and Dumber" that's all I'm going to sav about him.....Fortunately I wised up, got divorced, and met the man of my dreams a few years later.....

My husband now is everything I ever wanted. After my divorce before I started dating again I made a list of the qualities that the man of my dreams would have. I won't bore you with the details, but they mainly centered around being a good person and wanting to have a family. On a lark, I joined Match.com. I hadn't even been on log enough to put up a profile or to meet anyone, when I saw his pic. Now, before anyone gags at the thought of meeting your soul mate online....let me ask you, what else should I have done?? I was 33 at the time, single in a city with no friends (all my friends were HIS friends, so when we divorced not only did he get the dog, he got the friends...although when I ran into one the other day they told me he was now completely crazy and none of the friends still were in touch with him....). Anyways, I knew no one outside of my social circle with him. I thought about joining a church, but was too chicken to go on my own, plus I wasn't sure if joining a church to meet someone was really the "good" thing to do........After almost a year of nursing my wounds and trying to figure out why I would be in such a damaging relationship, I was ready to venture back into the dating world. Online dating seemed like a good way to start. So I see his pic, and he has the best smile ever. We IM'd that night, emailed for several days, went on a date, and were together pretty much from that point on.
We've been together 4 years, married 2 of those years. He's my rock, my strength, my best friend. Out of everyone in the world, he's the one person I never get tired of. He has given me the confidence to go out and make my own friends again, which I've done. I now have a circle of girlfriends that are always there for me. I've come to see that there was nothing wrong with me, my ex was the damaged one. Sure, I have to be responsible for the fact that I stayed with him. I'm still not sure why. But I'm also responsible for the fact that I left him, without a penny to my name and with hardly any support. I found my own place, paid my own rent, got promoted at my job. I found the man of my dreams, I've made my own network of friends. I've moved on with my life.......

so if I'm going to take responsibility for being such an idiot and staying with him, I'm also going to take the credit for getting out. And that feels really good.

SO that's my story of why I met dh (dear husband) so late in life. He of course has his own story as to why he was single and had never been married in his mid 30's. Suffice it to say, I thank God every day that his past girlfriends were not THE one for him, and that God brought us together......For the country music fans out there, probably many of you know the song "Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. Every time I hear it, I smile, and think of him. Because truly, "God Bless the Broken Road, that led me straight to him."

Now on to the TMI portion....For those of you out there who have ttc, you can share my enthusiasm in that I'm getting really good ewcm (I won't go into the details, but those of you ttc know what this means!) I am hoping to get a positive on my ovulation predictor test tonight, and the next few days will be devoted to bd'ing........I so hope this works. I'll save the details of our ttc journey for another post, but it's been hard for us. I found out shortly before last Christmas that I was expecting and at church Christmas Eve I kept thinking that the next year we'd be there with our baby. It hurts so much that this won't happen now. I do hope and pray that I'm pregnant by Christmas. Not to replace the baby we lost, but to maybe take away the sting a little.

how I got here....

Ahhh, how did I get here...I'm 36, married to the man of my dreams, and we have the most wonderful dogs in the world. We have good jobs, good friends, and good (although that can be debateable at times) family. We have our own home (that's constantly being remodeled.....), two cars, closetfuls of clothes, and a healthy savings account. We enjoy happy hours with friends, ballgames (of any type), time with family (well sometimes...), and each other. We have everything I thought I ever wanted or needed, except for a child. We've tried for two years....and for those of you who think, "well, that sounds like fun".....let me tell you, you've never actually had to ttc (that's try to conceive for the uninitiated)...because trying for a baby sex (or bd....as in baby dancing) is not the no holds barred, headboard banging type that you may (hopefully at least) experienced wiht your significant other before you were ttc.....

now my life revolves around poas (peeing on sticks), counting cycle days, checking my cervical position, my cervical mucus....making up new and inventive lies to friends who wonder why I'm not drinking......taking varous pills.....and hoping and praying that this month will be THE month.

I've had every test, surgeries, visits with docs of various specialities...dh has become up and close and personal with a paper cup,and held my hand through many doctor appts......And we've had our daughter. We found out we were pregnant last Dec. 11 weeks later we learned there was a problem....and at 16 weeks she left us. But she was real. She was loved, and wanted, and very missed. Very few people know about her.....that she even existed. But I will always know her. I carried her inside my uterus for a short time, but I'll carry her in my heart forever.

March was when she left us. Now we're ttc again. Our faith has been tested and we've come out stronger. Our marriage has become better, stronger and deeper. We're scarred, and bruised, but we're here and we're fighting.

This blog will detail our journey. From first dates, to moving in, to marriage. To starting to ttc (ahhh, we were so naive), to finding out we were pregnant, to the heartbreak of finding out there was a problem.......There's a lot of joy in our story, a lot of sadness, and a lot of hope.

Because right now that's all we have....hope. I'm o'ing soon. (ovulating to the uninitiated...stick with me and you'll learn all these fun terms!). The Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor is getting a work out. The opks are getting used. I'm counting days, even hours, trying to figure out the best time to bd with dh....juggling our schedule around the big event.

We will be parents. Whether it's one way or the other, I know there is a child that God has intended for us. I hope to use this blog to share my feelings, as a way of healing for myself...but also as a way of reaching out to others because I know there are many women out there like myself.

who thought that they could have it all....who have been told since they were little girls that if they work hard and are nice, they can do anything they want. And then they find out that the one thing they want the most, is just out of their reach. But we'll get there.
liz