disappointment

against all better judgement I started testing early this cycle. I started testing at 10dpo, and started getting very faint positives. On Sunday I took a digital test and got "pregnant" and another hpt and got a clear second line. Of course I was estatic, but also nervous. I went in Monday for bloodwork to see what my hcg level was. My doc likes to do two tests, 48 hours apart to see if numbers are doubling like they should. Monday's test only showed a level of 6 for my hcg count. That shocked me, because you have to have at least around a 20 to get positives on the hpts. My progesterone was also very low. Basically, I knew that this was not a viable pregnancy. My nurse confirmed this yesterday, and stated it was probably a "chemical pregnancy". These happen very often, and usually you wouldn't even know you'd had one.......If I hadn't tested early, I wouldn't have known. In fact, when I did a hpt on Monday evening (13dpo) it was negative.
So now I'm waiting....I am having more blood drawn today just to make sure my level has gone down. My temps went down today, which I think means my progesterone level is also going down....so I'm hoping af shows on her own over the next couple of days. Otherwise, I have to wait 2 weeks and then go back to the doctor for them to bring it on.
I plan on doing clomid again this cycle. I'm hopeful that it will work again. I'm scared that there's something wrong with me keeping me from being able to have a healthy baby. Even though statistically I know this happens a lot, it's still hard when it happens to you not to wonder "what's wrong with me??".
so that's my update. It's been an emotional few days. When you see a bfp you immediately fall in love, and start planning for a new life. Even if you only think you are pregnant for a day or two, it's still a loss. But I'm glad that if this wasn't a healthy baby God took him/her now, instead of later. Any loss is hard, but a loss later in pregnancy is devastating.
I will have a baby. I'm not giving up. This will only make me fight harder. I've already got a few ideas of "next steps" that I'll post soon. Unfortunately today I'm stuck at work!
On a positive note, I have my first physical therapy appt for my back today. I've had back problems since May, so I'm hoping this will help.
Thanks for listening.
a sad, but determined,
liz