Tuesday, September 4, 2007

how I got here....

Ahhh, how did I get here...I'm 36, married to the man of my dreams, and we have the most wonderful dogs in the world. We have good jobs, good friends, and good (although that can be debateable at times) family. We have our own home (that's constantly being remodeled.....), two cars, closetfuls of clothes, and a healthy savings account. We enjoy happy hours with friends, ballgames (of any type), time with family (well sometimes...), and each other. We have everything I thought I ever wanted or needed, except for a child. We've tried for two years....and for those of you who think, "well, that sounds like fun".....let me tell you, you've never actually had to ttc (that's try to conceive for the uninitiated)...because trying for a baby sex (or bd....as in baby dancing) is not the no holds barred, headboard banging type that you may (hopefully at least) experienced wiht your significant other before you were ttc.....

now my life revolves around poas (peeing on sticks), counting cycle days, checking my cervical position, my cervical mucus....making up new and inventive lies to friends who wonder why I'm not drinking......taking varous pills.....and hoping and praying that this month will be THE month.

I've had every test, surgeries, visits with docs of various specialities...dh has become up and close and personal with a paper cup,and held my hand through many doctor appts......And we've had our daughter. We found out we were pregnant last Dec. 11 weeks later we learned there was a problem....and at 16 weeks she left us. But she was real. She was loved, and wanted, and very missed. Very few people know about her.....that she even existed. But I will always know her. I carried her inside my uterus for a short time, but I'll carry her in my heart forever.

March was when she left us. Now we're ttc again. Our faith has been tested and we've come out stronger. Our marriage has become better, stronger and deeper. We're scarred, and bruised, but we're here and we're fighting.

This blog will detail our journey. From first dates, to moving in, to marriage. To starting to ttc (ahhh, we were so naive), to finding out we were pregnant, to the heartbreak of finding out there was a problem.......There's a lot of joy in our story, a lot of sadness, and a lot of hope.

Because right now that's all we have....hope. I'm o'ing soon. (ovulating to the uninitiated...stick with me and you'll learn all these fun terms!). The Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor is getting a work out. The opks are getting used. I'm counting days, even hours, trying to figure out the best time to bd with dh....juggling our schedule around the big event.

We will be parents. Whether it's one way or the other, I know there is a child that God has intended for us. I hope to use this blog to share my feelings, as a way of healing for myself...but also as a way of reaching out to others because I know there are many women out there like myself.

who thought that they could have it all....who have been told since they were little girls that if they work hard and are nice, they can do anything they want. And then they find out that the one thing they want the most, is just out of their reach. But we'll get there.

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