disappointment

against all better judgement I started testing early this cycle. I started testing at 10dpo, and started getting very faint positives. On Sunday I took a digital test and got "pregnant" and another hpt and got a clear second line. Of course I was estatic, but also nervous. I went in Monday for bloodwork to see what my hcg level was. My doc likes to do two tests, 48 hours apart to see if numbers are doubling like they should. Monday's test only showed a level of 6 for my hcg count. That shocked me, because you have to have at least around a 20 to get positives on the hpts. My progesterone was also very low. Basically, I knew that this was not a viable pregnancy. My nurse confirmed this yesterday, and stated it was probably a "chemical pregnancy". These happen very often, and usually you wouldn't even know you'd had one.......If I hadn't tested early, I wouldn't have known. In fact, when I did a hpt on Monday evening (13dpo) it was negative.
So now I'm waiting....I am having more blood drawn today just to make sure my level has gone down. My temps went down today, which I think means my progesterone level is also going down....so I'm hoping af shows on her own over the next couple of days. Otherwise, I have to wait 2 weeks and then go back to the doctor for them to bring it on.
I plan on doing clomid again this cycle. I'm hopeful that it will work again. I'm scared that there's something wrong with me keeping me from being able to have a healthy baby. Even though statistically I know this happens a lot, it's still hard when it happens to you not to wonder "what's wrong with me??".
so that's my update. It's been an emotional few days. When you see a bfp you immediately fall in love, and start planning for a new life. Even if you only think you are pregnant for a day or two, it's still a loss. But I'm glad that if this wasn't a healthy baby God took him/her now, instead of later. Any loss is hard, but a loss later in pregnancy is devastating.
I will have a baby. I'm not giving up. This will only make me fight harder. I've already got a few ideas of "next steps" that I'll post soon. Unfortunately today I'm stuck at work!
On a positive note, I have my first physical therapy appt for my back today. I've had back problems since May, so I'm hoping this will help.
Thanks for listening.
a sad, but determined,
liz

am I a slacker or what

So when I started this blog I did it with the best of intentions...I was going to post often, and say incredibly interesting and witty things. Obviously that has not happened!

The last couple of weeks has been so crazy. Last weekend I ended up being unexpectedly out of town for a good portion of it. Fortunately, I had already o'd so it didn't matter that dh wasn't there...well, of course it mattered....I hate being away from him. But I did get to see my family, and that was nice.

I'm stuck in the middle of the 2ww right now. I o'd early last week, so now I'm about 7dpo's I think. Wayyy too early to test, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. This is my first cycle of clomid, so of course my hopes are up that this is the month. We'll see. I have no bfp symptoms, but logically I know that it would be too early to have them right now. I have had some hot flashes, which I'm attributing to the clomid. They aren't too bad though. I had worse last year when I was on lupron.

I just feel kind of detached right now. I'm so tired of ttc controlling everything. I can barely remember what is was like to eat sushi, drink beer, and (horror upon horror) eat a cold-cut sandwich without first having to figure out where I was in my cycle. And to top it off, I have a very good suspicion that my sister is using drugs. She's had drug and alcohol problems before, and it seems like she may be having them again. At this point I would just write her off. I know that sounds horrible. She is my sister. But she's put us all through so much that I really have no sympathy for her. But I can't do that, because my 6 year old niece is with her. So my older nieces are coming into town this weekend and we're going to figure out what we should do. Drama, drama, drama.

anyways, sorry I have nothing entertaining to say.
I'm tired. I'm sad that I'm not at home right now w/ a 6 week old baby like I should be. And I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.
liz

baby gifts......

so I started the clomid on CD5, and seemed to be handling it pretty well for a while. I did have some headaches, but I wasn't sure if it was due to the clomid or my allergies.....Then I hit CD12, and the moodiness set in. Seriously, I feel like I have PMSx10..........I'm either wanting to cry or wanting to strangle someone....usually both at once. Still not o'ing, but am hoping that will happen any day now.

I wish my doctor did follicle checks while on clomid...not because I really want another date with the "magic wand" that's used in transvaginal u/s, but it would be nice to know if the clomid is working and how many follicles I am producing...especially since there is a slightly higher risk of multiples with clomid. Not that we wouldn't welcome twins or whatever God decided to give us, but I know the risks to the babies are so much higher when high-order multiples are involved. The last thing I ever want to do is go through another pregnancy only to have another loss. I'm not sure if I could survive it. Well, I know I could....but it would certainly be hard. That's another thing that my angel taught me, I'm a much stronger person than I ever though. If you'd told me last year I would get pregnant only to lose her at 16 weeks I would have told you that I couldn't have handled it. Now, not only have I handled it....I think I've done it without losing my heart or my faith. In fact, I feel like my heart is bigger and my faith stronger, and those are two gifts are precious little girl gave to me.

another gift she gave me is a wonderful group of women I've met onine. These women have become my support system, and a few of them have become my sisters. It's so odd to be so close to someone who you've never met, but I have. Some I've known for a couple of years after meeting on another board...others I've only known for a few months and met because of our loss. But it just amazes me that these women have reached out to me, and have let me support them as well. So I thank my baby girl for that as well.

sure I would rather have her here with me. But since that's not possible, I do feel blessed to have had her for a while, even if it was a short time. And I feel blessed to know that she'll always be with me, and has made a permanent mark on my life. So while I wish my baby gifts were new bibs, blankets, and cute outfits I will also count my blessings. I've been given a closer relationship with my dh, with God, with women who have become my sisters. I've been given an inner strength....or maybe it was there all along and just not realized.

so for that I'm grateful. Now I'd just be doubly grateful if I could get pregnant again, and bring home the more typical baby gifts next time.....

clomid.....

So af did show in full force, just as I expected. I was bummed for a day or so, then started thinking about the next cycle...That's one thing with ttc, there's always the next month...and then the next month..and then the month after that. It is nice that each new month brings a new hope though.

I did take the plunge and decided to start the clomid. The doc has me on 50mg CD 5-9. I'm on my second day...so far no major side effects. I've had a headache all day, but that may very well be due to allergies......I'm trying to not take anything for it...I'm sure it would be fine to take a Tylenol, but I just feel like the less I put into my body the better. I'll probably break down and take one before bed so I can sleep.

The doc has agreed to try the clomid for 3 months. If we're not pregnant by then, we'll go back to the RE in Jan. The RE is the specialist, and we'll talk to them about either doing IUI or IVF. IUI is a lot cheaper (which is important because our insurance isn't covering any of this) but IVF has a much higher success rate. Also, a very cool thing with IVF is they can do the pre-implantation genetic testing...so they would be able to test the embryos for possible genetic problems before placing them back. That would greatly reduce the chance of another genetic problem.

It's just so hard to know what to do. A part of me feels like we're "playing God". Antoher part of me just wants a baby. And I guess we are blessed to live in today's society, where medicine has advanced so much. In years past, a woman in my position probably would have just had to accept the fact that she wasn't going to have a baby. At least we have options.

A girl I work with was due a week before me (and another due two weeks after me....). The one due right before me had her baby at work today. I had dreaded seeing her, thinking it would be too painful and would only remind me of what I SHOULD have right now. I'm happy to say, it wasn't that hard. He's adorable, and she seems very happy. Sure, a part of me aches and wishes it was me. But there's also a part of me that was genuinely happy for me. And I'm proud of that part of me.

crushed hopes

well, it looks like this month was another failure....I just went to the bathroom and discovered that I am starting to spot...af should be here full force tomorrow. I haven't been too hopeful this month, but there's always a piece of me that thinks "surely this is the month". It's just hard to accept it when it's not.

I'm sad. I'm sad that I have to disappoint my dh. I'm mad. I feel betrayed by my body. Usually I feel at least a little hopeful at the start of a new cycle, but I think I'm just numb now. There's only so much heartbreak that one person can take. And I think I am at my limit.

I have a doctor's appt Monday to discuss Clomid. I'm trying to focus on that.

I just want a baby. I want my husband to be a daddy.

I HATE the 2ww

I HATE the 2ww. I'm trying to not obsess. I'm trying to not count and recount the days...I'm TRYING to think of something besides this. But it's not working. I feel a little bit like I'm losing my mind today. My desire to be pregnant again is so strong. I feel such a loss, such an emptiness. I want to have that hope again. I want to get to know dh as a father. I want to plan the nursery, buy maternity clothes, and look at baby announcements. I want to do all the things I should have gotten to do months ago. And most of all, I want to bring home a healthy baby from the hospital....which is what I should have been doing about 3 weeks ago.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful life. But the desire to become a mother is so all consuming, nothing can take away that ache.

I'm going to go sneak away from work and call the doctor to see about getting clomid for next cycle. Please pray that there is no "next cycle" for me and that prescription never gets used
liz

half way through.....

I am now halfway through the 2ww......Now is when it get's hard....During the first part of the 2ww I don't think too much about things. I know it's wayyyy too early to have any type of symptom, so I don't focus too much on things. But things change when I get about halfway through the 2ww...Even though I know realistically it's still way too early for any type of real symptom...Inplantation doesn't occur until abuot now, or possibly even a little later...And it takes a couple of days after implantation for the body to start making enough hcg to register on a pregnancy test...and of course, there's no real chance of early symptoms until there's enough hcg (often called the "pregnancy hormone" in your system to start playing havoc on things.....Of course, that's what the docs say...However, I think we all know some people who will swear that they had symptoms almost immediately.Of course, who am I to say that they did or didn't. We're all different, our bodies respond differently. I know for me, with my pregnancy with our angel, I had no symptoms at first. I tested at 12DPO and got a bfn (big fat negative), then tested at 13DPO (the day before af was due) and got a positive. So much for those early hpts that say you can find out 5 days before af is due........I remember how stunned I was to actually see that second line appear. For over a year we'd been trying, and I'd really come to believe that the second line didn't exist. That it was all some cruel joke. I remember seeing the bfp, then crawling back in bed beside my dh and asking him "so, what are you doing in August?" It was like 6am, and the first thing he said was "Are you pregnant?". The next day I went to the doctor's office to confirm it. Sure enough, I was really pregnant. We weren't going to tell anyone, but I made the mistake of calling him when he was in the car with some coworkers....I blurted out "We're pregnant!" a little too loud, and everyone in the car was able to hear over the phone. Fortunately, I did a better job hiding it from my coworkers. I had to go back in two days for another blood test, to see how my hcg levels were rising. Healthy pregnancies usually double their hcg count in 48 hours. Mine didn't double, but went up about 60%. Not immediately a sign of doom, but it was enough to scare me. Plus my progesterone levels were lower than they should be. The doc put me on progesterone suppostitories, and told me to come back in a few days for another draw. When I went back in, about 4 days later, my hcg level had skyrocketed. I felt much better about things, but now I wonder if that slow rising hcg wasn't our first indicator that there was a problem. And I wonder, if I hadn't taken the progesterone supps, would I have miscarried then? That perhaps the low progesterone level was yet another indicator that things weren't going like they should be.

but after a bumpy start, my pregnancy seemed to be progressing like normal. I had just two bouts of feeling really sick to my stomach. I was incredibly tired though, and often came straight home from work and went to bed. I later learned that not only could this have been in part due to the pregnancy, but also due to the progesterone I was taking. We heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks, and thought then that it was safe to tell family....We had planned on waiting till after the first trimester, but we were going to my parents house for Christmas and I wanted to tell them then. We bought two cute bibs, one that said I love Grandma and one said I love Grandpa, wrapped them up, and gave them to my parents in front of everyone. It was such a happy time. Who would have thought that within weeks everything would change.

I so want to be pregnant again, but a part of me is so scared. I'm not sure I could handle this again. Well, I guess I could....one thing I learned is that you can do a lot more than you thought and survive more than you thought, if you have Faith. But the thought of hearing the words "there's a problem" makes me almost ill. Having your entire world just stop. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So while I pray that I am in fact, even as I type this, newly pregnant with a healthy little one....I'm also scared to begin this journey again. There's so much opportunity for joy in pregnancy, but I'm a little more jaded now, and realize that there's also a lot of opportunity for pain. It's hard to open your heart back up, after it's been broken. But we will, because I know the rewards are so great. And I know that through my Faith, I can get through this.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. I will be a mother one day. My kind, sweet, good husband will be a daddy one day. I'm not sure what the journey will entail, but I know the outcome. That thought gives me peace.

Tonight is dh's 20th high school reunion. What fun, we get to be surrounded by people asking "so, do you have children". I can't wait. And it's chilly here, and the cute outfit I have picked out to wear is definitely for warmer climates. But it's really cute, and I have absolutely nothing else to wear.....so it looks like I'll be freezing tonight. And sober, since I'm in the 2ww. Wish me luck.
liz