Friday, September 14, 2007

half way through.....

I am now halfway through the 2ww......Now is when it get's hard....During the first part of the 2ww I don't think too much about things. I know it's wayyyy too early to have any type of symptom, so I don't focus too much on things. But things change when I get about halfway through the 2ww...Even though I know realistically it's still way too early for any type of real symptom...Inplantation doesn't occur until abuot now, or possibly even a little later...And it takes a couple of days after implantation for the body to start making enough hcg to register on a pregnancy test...and of course, there's no real chance of early symptoms until there's enough hcg (often called the "pregnancy hormone" in your system to start playing havoc on things.....Of course, that's what the docs say...However, I think we all know some people who will swear that they had symptoms almost immediately.Of course, who am I to say that they did or didn't. We're all different, our bodies respond differently. I know for me, with my pregnancy with our angel, I had no symptoms at first. I tested at 12DPO and got a bfn (big fat negative), then tested at 13DPO (the day before af was due) and got a positive. So much for those early hpts that say you can find out 5 days before af is due........I remember how stunned I was to actually see that second line appear. For over a year we'd been trying, and I'd really come to believe that the second line didn't exist. That it was all some cruel joke. I remember seeing the bfp, then crawling back in bed beside my dh and asking him "so, what are you doing in August?" It was like 6am, and the first thing he said was "Are you pregnant?". The next day I went to the doctor's office to confirm it. Sure enough, I was really pregnant. We weren't going to tell anyone, but I made the mistake of calling him when he was in the car with some coworkers....I blurted out "We're pregnant!" a little too loud, and everyone in the car was able to hear over the phone. Fortunately, I did a better job hiding it from my coworkers. I had to go back in two days for another blood test, to see how my hcg levels were rising. Healthy pregnancies usually double their hcg count in 48 hours. Mine didn't double, but went up about 60%. Not immediately a sign of doom, but it was enough to scare me. Plus my progesterone levels were lower than they should be. The doc put me on progesterone suppostitories, and told me to come back in a few days for another draw. When I went back in, about 4 days later, my hcg level had skyrocketed. I felt much better about things, but now I wonder if that slow rising hcg wasn't our first indicator that there was a problem. And I wonder, if I hadn't taken the progesterone supps, would I have miscarried then? That perhaps the low progesterone level was yet another indicator that things weren't going like they should be.

but after a bumpy start, my pregnancy seemed to be progressing like normal. I had just two bouts of feeling really sick to my stomach. I was incredibly tired though, and often came straight home from work and went to bed. I later learned that not only could this have been in part due to the pregnancy, but also due to the progesterone I was taking. We heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks, and thought then that it was safe to tell family....We had planned on waiting till after the first trimester, but we were going to my parents house for Christmas and I wanted to tell them then. We bought two cute bibs, one that said I love Grandma and one said I love Grandpa, wrapped them up, and gave them to my parents in front of everyone. It was such a happy time. Who would have thought that within weeks everything would change.

I so want to be pregnant again, but a part of me is so scared. I'm not sure I could handle this again. Well, I guess I thing I learned is that you can do a lot more than you thought and survive more than you thought, if you have Faith. But the thought of hearing the words "there's a problem" makes me almost ill. Having your entire world just stop. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So while I pray that I am in fact, even as I type this, newly pregnant with a healthy little one....I'm also scared to begin this journey again. There's so much opportunity for joy in pregnancy, but I'm a little more jaded now, and realize that there's also a lot of opportunity for pain. It's hard to open your heart back up, after it's been broken. But we will, because I know the rewards are so great. And I know that through my Faith, I can get through this.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. I will be a mother one day. My kind, sweet, good husband will be a daddy one day. I'm not sure what the journey will entail, but I know the outcome. That thought gives me peace.

Tonight is dh's 20th high school reunion. What fun, we get to be surrounded by people asking "so, do you have children". I can't wait. And it's chilly here, and the cute outfit I have picked out to wear is definitely for warmer climates. But it's really cute, and I have absolutely nothing else to it looks like I'll be freezing tonight. And sober, since I'm in the 2ww. Wish me luck.

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