Wednesday, October 24, 2007


against all better judgement I started testing early this cycle. I started testing at 10dpo, and started getting very faint positives. On Sunday I took a digital test and got "pregnant" and another hpt and got a clear second line. Of course I was estatic, but also nervous. I went in Monday for bloodwork to see what my hcg level was. My doc likes to do two tests, 48 hours apart to see if numbers are doubling like they should. Monday's test only showed a level of 6 for my hcg count. That shocked me, because you have to have at least around a 20 to get positives on the hpts. My progesterone was also very low. Basically, I knew that this was not a viable pregnancy. My nurse confirmed this yesterday, and stated it was probably a "chemical pregnancy". These happen very often, and usually you wouldn't even know you'd had one.......If I hadn't tested early, I wouldn't have known. In fact, when I did a hpt on Monday evening (13dpo) it was negative.
So now I'm waiting....I am having more blood drawn today just to make sure my level has gone down. My temps went down today, which I think means my progesterone level is also going I'm hoping af shows on her own over the next couple of days. Otherwise, I have to wait 2 weeks and then go back to the doctor for them to bring it on.
I plan on doing clomid again this cycle. I'm hopeful that it will work again. I'm scared that there's something wrong with me keeping me from being able to have a healthy baby. Even though statistically I know this happens a lot, it's still hard when it happens to you not to wonder "what's wrong with me??".
so that's my update. It's been an emotional few days. When you see a bfp you immediately fall in love, and start planning for a new life. Even if you only think you are pregnant for a day or two, it's still a loss. But I'm glad that if this wasn't a healthy baby God took him/her now, instead of later. Any loss is hard, but a loss later in pregnancy is devastating.
I will have a baby. I'm not giving up. This will only make me fight harder. I've already got a few ideas of "next steps" that I'll post soon. Unfortunately today I'm stuck at work!
On a positive note, I have my first physical therapy appt for my back today. I've had back problems since May, so I'm hoping this will help.
Thanks for listening.
a sad, but determined,

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

am I a slacker or what

So when I started this blog I did it with the best of intentions...I was going to post often, and say incredibly interesting and witty things. Obviously that has not happened!

The last couple of weeks has been so crazy. Last weekend I ended up being unexpectedly out of town for a good portion of it. Fortunately, I had already o'd so it didn't matter that dh wasn't there...well, of course it mattered....I hate being away from him. But I did get to see my family, and that was nice.

I'm stuck in the middle of the 2ww right now. I o'd early last week, so now I'm about 7dpo's I think. Wayyy too early to test, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. This is my first cycle of clomid, so of course my hopes are up that this is the month. We'll see. I have no bfp symptoms, but logically I know that it would be too early to have them right now. I have had some hot flashes, which I'm attributing to the clomid. They aren't too bad though. I had worse last year when I was on lupron.

I just feel kind of detached right now. I'm so tired of ttc controlling everything. I can barely remember what is was like to eat sushi, drink beer, and (horror upon horror) eat a cold-cut sandwich without first having to figure out where I was in my cycle. And to top it off, I have a very good suspicion that my sister is using drugs. She's had drug and alcohol problems before, and it seems like she may be having them again. At this point I would just write her off. I know that sounds horrible. She is my sister. But she's put us all through so much that I really have no sympathy for her. But I can't do that, because my 6 year old niece is with her. So my older nieces are coming into town this weekend and we're going to figure out what we should do. Drama, drama, drama.

anyways, sorry I have nothing entertaining to say.
I'm tired. I'm sad that I'm not at home right now w/ a 6 week old baby like I should be. And I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

baby gifts......

so I started the clomid on CD5, and seemed to be handling it pretty well for a while. I did have some headaches, but I wasn't sure if it was due to the clomid or my allergies.....Then I hit CD12, and the moodiness set in. Seriously, I feel like I have PMSx10..........I'm either wanting to cry or wanting to strangle someone....usually both at once. Still not o'ing, but am hoping that will happen any day now.

I wish my doctor did follicle checks while on clomid...not because I really want another date with the "magic wand" that's used in transvaginal u/s, but it would be nice to know if the clomid is working and how many follicles I am producing...especially since there is a slightly higher risk of multiples with clomid. Not that we wouldn't welcome twins or whatever God decided to give us, but I know the risks to the babies are so much higher when high-order multiples are involved. The last thing I ever want to do is go through another pregnancy only to have another loss. I'm not sure if I could survive it. Well, I know I could....but it would certainly be hard. That's another thing that my angel taught me, I'm a much stronger person than I ever though. If you'd told me last year I would get pregnant only to lose her at 16 weeks I would have told you that I couldn't have handled it. Now, not only have I handled it....I think I've done it without losing my heart or my faith. In fact, I feel like my heart is bigger and my faith stronger, and those are two gifts are precious little girl gave to me.

another gift she gave me is a wonderful group of women I've met onine. These women have become my support system, and a few of them have become my sisters. It's so odd to be so close to someone who you've never met, but I have. Some I've known for a couple of years after meeting on another board...others I've only known for a few months and met because of our loss. But it just amazes me that these women have reached out to me, and have let me support them as well. So I thank my baby girl for that as well.

sure I would rather have her here with me. But since that's not possible, I do feel blessed to have had her for a while, even if it was a short time. And I feel blessed to know that she'll always be with me, and has made a permanent mark on my life. So while I wish my baby gifts were new bibs, blankets, and cute outfits I will also count my blessings. I've been given a closer relationship with my dh, with God, with women who have become my sisters. I've been given an inner strength....or maybe it was there all along and just not realized.

so for that I'm grateful. Now I'd just be doubly grateful if I could get pregnant again, and bring home the more typical baby gifts next time.....