Thursday, October 4, 2007

baby gifts......

so I started the clomid on CD5, and seemed to be handling it pretty well for a while. I did have some headaches, but I wasn't sure if it was due to the clomid or my allergies.....Then I hit CD12, and the moodiness set in. Seriously, I feel like I have PMSx10..........I'm either wanting to cry or wanting to strangle someone....usually both at once. Still not o'ing, but am hoping that will happen any day now.

I wish my doctor did follicle checks while on clomid...not because I really want another date with the "magic wand" that's used in transvaginal u/s, but it would be nice to know if the clomid is working and how many follicles I am producing...especially since there is a slightly higher risk of multiples with clomid. Not that we wouldn't welcome twins or whatever God decided to give us, but I know the risks to the babies are so much higher when high-order multiples are involved. The last thing I ever want to do is go through another pregnancy only to have another loss. I'm not sure if I could survive it. Well, I know I could....but it would certainly be hard. That's another thing that my angel taught me, I'm a much stronger person than I ever though. If you'd told me last year I would get pregnant only to lose her at 16 weeks I would have told you that I couldn't have handled it. Now, not only have I handled it....I think I've done it without losing my heart or my faith. In fact, I feel like my heart is bigger and my faith stronger, and those are two gifts are precious little girl gave to me.

another gift she gave me is a wonderful group of women I've met onine. These women have become my support system, and a few of them have become my sisters. It's so odd to be so close to someone who you've never met, but I have. Some I've known for a couple of years after meeting on another board...others I've only known for a few months and met because of our loss. But it just amazes me that these women have reached out to me, and have let me support them as well. So I thank my baby girl for that as well.

sure I would rather have her here with me. But since that's not possible, I do feel blessed to have had her for a while, even if it was a short time. And I feel blessed to know that she'll always be with me, and has made a permanent mark on my life. So while I wish my baby gifts were new bibs, blankets, and cute outfits I will also count my blessings. I've been given a closer relationship with my dh, with God, with women who have become my sisters. I've been given an inner strength....or maybe it was there all along and just not realized.

so for that I'm grateful. Now I'd just be doubly grateful if I could get pregnant again, and bring home the more typical baby gifts next time.....

1 comment:

Sunny said...

I love your outlook!